What does it mean to be a father, a mother, a parent, I’ve often wondered. I come from a history of accidental pregnancies, religious turmoil and basic relationship malfunction. My parents, my grandparents and even my godparents all have been divorced, causing me to wonder what is it that makes people stay together or tear them a part?
This history also breed a fear in me, a fear that I would carry the curse of being unable to be with someone indefinitely. That happily-ever-after was never going to have a chance in my life. Now, with the majority of the previously mentioned relationships being remarried, I realize that there was no curse at all.
In fact, more and more I realize that the relationships we have and how they work is a direct reflection of our own internal health. I realized this with myself, as there is a clear and obvious comparison to the boys I dated prior to receiving treatment for depression and the one I’ve been dating since. When we lie to ourselves, when we deny who we are and what we really want and instead do what we think we should do, we damage ourselves.
I come from a history of people who were unable to face themselves sooner and because of their own stubbornness, they continued to blunder through life with the wrong partner and sometimes on the completely wrong path. I consider myself a lucky one of this gene pool because I have a limit for how far I can bring myself down, however others have not been so lucky. It took the equivalent of my 20 year life time for one of them to realize their mistake and take action to correct, others heads are still buried in the sand. I’m afraid their heads will stay there too, after a life time of deceiving yourself I cannot image what it would be like to actually face truth again. Not to mention being confronted with all that you did wrong on your path of denial.
It hurts me though, greatly, to have people that I love so deeply and unconditionally be unable to see themselves clearly and make better their lives. It’s been something I’ve been slowly making peace with because I realize I have no other option. If a person wants to drown, they will drown.
I started this post because I had my father in mind, because I’d been confronted again with an individual who I thought I’d like as a father. Such a thought feels blasphemous, but what is a child to do but hope that they have strong able parents, who reflect back to them who they are on the inside? Do not get me wrong, I love my father and the times we spent together as a child but the more I grow, the more I see of his flaws and the more damaged I feel by his stubbornness and blindness.
I suppose what I’m slowly getting to is that Leo Tolstoy was right; “Happy familiar are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Ultimately suggesting that there is one path to happiness, health and love, while there are many paths to destruction.
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