Continue To Live

   Where do you start to be better? On the inside, on the outside? When do you make that change? Can you start now, right now? Yes.

   I’ve spent plenty of y time in the pursuit of improvement. Trying to make things better or be better, not simply enjoying the moment. I admit, I’m afraid to. Afraid to let go of my ambitions and succumb to a more simpler and patient way of a life. A life that will last longer and bring with it more happiness and positive energy. I’m afraid to the leave the security blanket of fear behind, I have been for years. I’m afraid to grow up and take responsibility because I fear I will become responsible for others and I can’t do that.

   The thing is, however, that despite my fear and discomfort at standing up for myself, little by little it’s been happening. I’ve slowly started to do what I need to to be healthy and happy. I’m finally saying no and putting an end to the patterns and problems that have been ongoing for years. I’m finally saying enough, and walking away. And it’s not entirely because I want to be doing this but because I feel I have no choice. The choice is between taking care of myself or destroying myself and all the things I love. And since I cannot bear to destroy what I love, I’m growing a backbone so I can protect it.

   Recently, I’ve sorted discovered a celebrity. Victoria Secret model, Miranda Kerr. In the process of just over a week, I’ve been converted to one of her biggest fans, buying and reading her book, following her on twitter, reading her blog and watching her interviews. I find her to be very inspirational, uplifting and empowering. She’s also caused me to look at models in a new light and to generally not to be so harsh and judging of people.

   I understand that to many this may sound light and airy, and you may be thinking (like I have in the past), that clearly it doesn’t take much for me to like you. Well allow me to give you some background information, so that if you feel the need to judge me, you can do so with a little more information and perhaps a clearer image of who I may be.

   A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. Prior to this I’d spent several silently battling those two foes, not wanting attention or worry from my family or friends. Even after being diagnosed by professionals, I still experienced stigma from both friends and family who could not understand or do not believe in Depression, which I can understand. This experience taught me many important things about life, such as the fact that you cannot change others or do what is right by everyone, you have to take care of yourself.

   As a result of my depressed and anxious mindset, I didn’t really trust people, especially celebrities. I had no reason to and I was extremely cynical about the world. These days I’m in a much better place and I feel I can have faith that people like Miranda Kerr can be good people. My heart is much more open now, yes, but I will never lose my ability to research and scrutinize something before investing in it. Ultimately, I’m putting this out there because I want people to believe that there is good. I have personally walked through hell, more times than I can count, and I know that I can survive it. I know that I will continue to live, because what other choice do I have?