Free Will & Fate

What does it mean to be a father, a mother, a parent, I’ve often wondered. I come from a history of accidental pregnancies, religious turmoil and basic relationship malfunction. My parents, my grandparents and even my godparents all have been divorced, causing me to wonder what is it that makes people stay together or tear them a part?

    This history also breed a fear in me, a fear that I would carry the curse of being unable to be with someone indefinitely. That happily-ever-after was never going to have a chance in my life. Now, with the majority of the previously mentioned relationships being remarried, I realize that there was no curse at all.

    In fact, more and more I realize that the relationships we have and how they work is a direct reflection of our own internal health. I realized this with myself, as there is a clear and obvious comparison to the boys I dated prior to receiving treatment for depression and the one I’ve been dating since. When we lie to ourselves, when we deny who we are and what we really want and instead do what we think we should do, we damage ourselves.

    I come from a history of people who were unable to face themselves sooner and because of their own stubbornness, they continued to blunder through life with the wrong partner and sometimes on the completely wrong path. I consider myself a lucky one of this gene pool because I have a limit for how far I can bring myself down, however others have not been so lucky. It took the equivalent of my 20 year life time for one of them to realize their mistake and take action to correct, others heads are still buried in the sand. I’m afraid their heads will stay there too, after a life time of deceiving yourself I cannot image what it would be like to actually face truth again. Not to mention being confronted with all that you did wrong on your path of denial.

    It hurts me though, greatly, to have people that I love so deeply and unconditionally be unable to see themselves clearly and make better their lives. It’s been something I’ve been slowly making peace with because I realize I have no other option. If a person wants to drown, they will drown. 

    I started this post because I had my father in mind, because I’d been confronted again with an individual who I thought I’d like as a father. Such a thought feels blasphemous, but what is a child to do but hope that they have strong able parents, who reflect back to them who they are on the inside? Do not get me wrong, I love my father and the times we spent together as a child but the more I grow, the more I see of his flaws and the more damaged I feel by his stubbornness and blindness.

    I suppose what I’m slowly getting to is that Leo Tolstoy was right; “Happy familiar are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Ultimately suggesting that there is one path to happiness, health and love, while there are many paths to destruction. 

Continue To Live

   Where do you start to be better? On the inside, on the outside? When do you make that change? Can you start now, right now? Yes.

   I’ve spent plenty of y time in the pursuit of improvement. Trying to make things better or be better, not simply enjoying the moment. I admit, I’m afraid to. Afraid to let go of my ambitions and succumb to a more simpler and patient way of a life. A life that will last longer and bring with it more happiness and positive energy. I’m afraid to the leave the security blanket of fear behind, I have been for years. I’m afraid to grow up and take responsibility because I fear I will become responsible for others and I can’t do that.

   The thing is, however, that despite my fear and discomfort at standing up for myself, little by little it’s been happening. I’ve slowly started to do what I need to to be healthy and happy. I’m finally saying no and putting an end to the patterns and problems that have been ongoing for years. I’m finally saying enough, and walking away. And it’s not entirely because I want to be doing this but because I feel I have no choice. The choice is between taking care of myself or destroying myself and all the things I love. And since I cannot bear to destroy what I love, I’m growing a backbone so I can protect it.

   Recently, I’ve sorted discovered a celebrity. Victoria Secret model, Miranda Kerr. In the process of just over a week, I’ve been converted to one of her biggest fans, buying and reading her book, following her on twitter, reading her blog and watching her interviews. I find her to be very inspirational, uplifting and empowering. She’s also caused me to look at models in a new light and to generally not to be so harsh and judging of people.

   I understand that to many this may sound light and airy, and you may be thinking (like I have in the past), that clearly it doesn’t take much for me to like you. Well allow me to give you some background information, so that if you feel the need to judge me, you can do so with a little more information and perhaps a clearer image of who I may be.

   A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. Prior to this I’d spent several silently battling those two foes, not wanting attention or worry from my family or friends. Even after being diagnosed by professionals, I still experienced stigma from both friends and family who could not understand or do not believe in Depression, which I can understand. This experience taught me many important things about life, such as the fact that you cannot change others or do what is right by everyone, you have to take care of yourself.

   As a result of my depressed and anxious mindset, I didn’t really trust people, especially celebrities. I had no reason to and I was extremely cynical about the world. These days I’m in a much better place and I feel I can have faith that people like Miranda Kerr can be good people. My heart is much more open now, yes, but I will never lose my ability to research and scrutinize something before investing in it. Ultimately, I’m putting this out there because I want people to believe that there is good. I have personally walked through hell, more times than I can count, and I know that I can survive it. I know that I will continue to live, because what other choice do I have?