The who I want to be conflict.

Writing this is stupidly difficult, despite loving to write and needing to get this out. Perhaps part of the reason I’m posting this online is so I can more accountability to my actions, instead of simply letting my hopes and dreams dwindle away with my procrastination, sloth and fear. I should probably set goals and timelines for this, but I’m afraid that that will only set me up for failure. So here goes my attempts at planning my improvement.

   Week 1:
This weeks goals are simple. Do the work your suppose to do. Do the basic things you need to do everyday, that day. This week isn’t about extra, it’s about focusing on the basic and accomplishing it. It’s about laying down a foundation and keeping up with your work. This means that you do all the school work you do before you go on Facebook.

   Week 2: This week you’re going to add an extra to your daily basics. I suggest writing. This week goal is to learn to balance the extra with the basic. You need to learn how to sync the two together before we can move on. You have to be able to shift your focus and move when the time comes to move.

   Week 3:
Extra number two time, suggestion: exercise! almost the final ingredient but that’s as far as I’m going for now. So here’s a basic three week plan for me to get my butt in order.

Where I Am

Thought fly through my head too fast these days. Though, right now I’m not really myself, I’m still channeling Connie Ramos. Having been through so much, I need time to rest and not to compare societies to one another. Yet that is exactly what my sociology essay is asking me to do.

   I write naturally enough that it’s not a problem for me. My real problem has always been finding a place that I am free enough long enough to be me. It’s hard to do what comes natural when you don’t feel at ease, because that is not natural.

   Lately, I’ve become more at peace with being at odds with so much in my immediate world. I’ve accepted where I don’t fit, or what doesn’t fit me. I’m learning still to be comfortable in my own skin and to rely on my own inner support first. I’m learning not to feel ashamed because I’m not like so many others. Being modest helps sustain me because I realize that is all I really be. The odds of being recognized for who I am are practically none existent. I am the silent force that keeps things going.

   Where I am now is beautiful, it is the perfect space for me. This room helps feed my soul and allows my mind the silence and space it needs.
I feel I have so much to say but am unsure of where to begin. So many stories I know, so much love I want to share.

   I think in the end that’s what I’m surrendering to; love. That I’m allowing myself to love, in more ways. Most importantly lately I’m learning how to truly love myself, how to care for myself. This has caused some issues with those close to me as they misinterpret me as being selfish when I’m only self-preserving. I’m used to being misunderstood by now though. I’m used to be the odd one out. But more and more I’m finding peace with that. I’m coming to terms with who I am and the world I live in; I’m accepting things for what they are. This is the big change, or the one I feel is setting me apart from so many.

   This does not mean I’m giving up to the world’s problems, I’m just drawing my focus and putting my energy to use where it is most effective right now.