Don't Be Afraid of The Light

Last night he told me, “This is love.”

And I thought I’d break. I’ve been waiting so long to break again. Because being broken is what I’ve been for so long, it’s just what I expect. And when he told me this, I cracked a little, and some part of me pushed to break, but I couldn’t.

I finally realized that that’s over with, that broken part was never me really. I mean it was a part of me, but a part of me that has died and fallen away from the rest. A part of me I cut away when I started to make room for him in my heart. Of course the scars will always be there, but they just go to show that we can heal from anything and have something to show for it.

I’m still in awe at him telling me that last night, “This is love…no abuse, no pain.” I thought I knew what love was, I thought I knew a lot before he came into my life. I haven’t mind one moment of the re-education though. This is all so different from anything I’ve ever known before, but you know what? It feels right, natural, like this is how things have been my whole life even though they haven’t.

It’s hard to begin how to describe living without depression or any mental illness is. Hard to explain how insanity gets back to sanity, how I learned to trust my senses again after having them betray me. Living with depression for several years, it was like, like everything you’ve ever known or cared about being turned into something hurtful and ugly and destructive. Everything. And there being no way out of the darkness. Eventually, you start to drown, and if you’re like me, you’ll forget which way is up. That’s why, it’s always good to leave a light on, so you can find your way back.

I’ve been free of my demons for nearly six months now, the longest time since before I had them, six years ago. If you’re out there and you’re suffering from depression, my advice to you is don’t be afraid to grab on to a lifesaver.

I Am Happy

I am happy with my messy room.
I am happy with my wardorbe.
I am happy with my body.
I am happy with my furniture.
I am happy with my music
I am happy with my hot water
I am happy with my photos
I am happy with my pillows
I am happy with my work
I am happy with my family
I am happy with my clutter
I am happy with my dust
I am happy with my talents
I am happy with my leaky walls
I am happy with my special bed
I am happy with my cold
I am happy with my mental illness
I am happy with rain
I am happy with dog drool
I am happy with smiles
I am happy alone
I am happy with you
I am happy with me

Come Together, Right Now, Over Me

That's how I feel right now. Felt like someone knowing.

A Little Glimpse At Moi

I'm female, and I have no clue some days what this means, save for some different sexual organs and brain circuitry. Supposedly, based on this brain circuitry, there is a certain type of behaviour associated with being female. You know what? I've never been really able to act that way. Forgive me, but that's not who I am. So who am I?
I'm an interdependant being, capable of being alone and ok with it. If I can't be myself in a situation, I can't be in a situation. Who I am is free loving and open minded. I'm understanding, caring and compassionate, for basically all life. I won't deny that at times some may be excluded from this, but I'm no god, I can't be all forgiving all the time. I believe people should follow thier heart, because if they do, it will insure their passage through hell.

To Tam:
This is what you helped me rediscover, this is what I'd lost. You are a gift to me, I'm eternally grateful for your love and friendship that allows me to be who I am.

Music is My Favorite Mistress

Stuff You Should Hear:

1. Shadow Stabbing-Cake
   
2. Giving It Up For You-Holly Brook
3. As Time Goes By-Louis Armstrong
4. Talk Show Host-Radiohead
5. Bloodsport-Sneaker Pimps
6. Jack-Xavier Rudd
7. Reunion-Stars
8. Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie (A Man After Midnight) cover-Damhnait Doyle
   
9. Naked As We Came-Iron and Wine
10. Shaking-Sugarcult
11. Portions for Foxes- Rilo Kiley
12. The Light is You-Said The Whale
13. Never Let You Go-Third Eye Blind
14. Kiss Me-Sixpence None The Richer
15. Love Life-Atmosphere
16. This Must Be The Place(cover)-The Arcade Fire
17. Wild World-Cat Stevens
18. St. Andrews- Bedouin Soundclash
19. Video-India.Arie
20. Smooth-Rob Thomas ft. Santana

There will be more to come, with more in depth info and some repeat artists. In the mean time, Enjoy!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Choice

I believe in the power of choice. I believe that no matter what happens in your life, or to you, you can still be happy. Why? Because happiness is a choice.
I was brought up to believe that I was in "control" of my life, that I could chose what happened. Of course I didn't believe at first, which leads me to another belief of mine: some things can only be experienced in order to be known, where others can simply be taught. No, I didn't believe in my own power to experience life till two things happened to me. One, was a break up. Two, was depression.
The break up helped me to experience my own power because it was the first time, in a very long time, that I'd be alone/single. By being alone, I felt a lot of sadness and in order to get out of it, I had to choose to be happy. Needless to say it wasn't that easy, which is why I slipped deeper into my depression for awhile.
During my depression, a friend suggested that I may need an attitude adjustment. Something I'd never considered because in my eyes, attitude adjustments are only needed for those who are mean, not mopey. But what I began to realize was that both these states were a choice. So after a few months, and support from some friends, I slowly changed my attitude to one of a more positive mind. And what a big difference it made!
Now, just because we can choose how we sometimes feel or experiance things, does not mean we are always happy, because life isn't like that. What we must remember is that it's okay that every now and then we allow are emotions to drive us. We allow ourselves to feel pain, anger, jealously, lose. But we also must remember to allow ourselves feel love, peace, compassion, and hope.
We always have a choice, is what I'm trying to get at. Sometimes the choices are easier than others, and sometimes they're as hard as hell, but they are still in your hands for the most part. And if they aren't, remember You are in control of you. So smile, and love yourself, because that's where we start.

Lonely, I'm So Lonely

In my last blog entry, I described my finicky social needs, which have unsurprisingly lead me to be more susceptible to becoming lonely. I've always been a bit of picky person, and I've known for a long time that people don't like complainers, so my solution was what I want or nothing. Unfortunately for me, this solution doesn't always work and I've been trying to comprise between my needs and wants for some time now.
The thing about needs is that if you deprive yourself of one for too long, your body/mind will make it so that is the only thing you will want. So what do I want? {Insert long, emotional rambling, with jabs at numerous people in your life who've failed yadda yadda...now back to main topic} I want someone to talk to. To be with. Is it wrong to want this when I have friends and a boyfriend? I have plenty of people who want to spend time with me, but I'm tired of them because we never seem to serve my purpose/need and I'm no good when I'm running this low.
In other words, because I'm cognitively starved, I'm less receptive of to the needs of others, I'm less patient, caring, interested and over all less of the good happy person we all enjoy. I hate it when I see the big picture and where the gears need grease but don't have the grease or paint to fix it.
The moral of the story is... I wish I knew, but the thing is I don't. The obvious thing to do would be to change, to be less picky, but that's right next to what makes me me.

Not A Groupie

I am not a group person. When groups occur, I fall into the background and observe. I do not participate, I do not join in. In my heart of hearts, a large part of me is a loner. It took me years to get comfortable with this aspect of me, because it's one of the many aspects of me that people just don't get.
Just because I'm not a group person doesn't mean I don't have fun. Many have called me a party pooper or a wet blanket because I won't join in. They don't realize though that I can't. I don't have the energy or social ability to be in a group for more then an hour. I think it comes down to that if I'm in a group for long, I begin to feel that I don't belong. I have yet to find a group I really feel like I belong with.
Another thing I think this comes down to, is that I'm a very understanding person when it comes to people. It's easy for me to understand where someone is coming from and why they act the way they do in most cases. Needless to say, not many people have this "skill", and sometimes it drives me up the wall, that even though I've explained myself, people still don't understand me. It's tiring and depressive. So many days are spent finding the right amount of alone time and group time so I don't get upset over my social handicap.
I'm tired of walking on eggshells though. Tired of tip-toeing my way around life. I am female and it is in my very nature to connect with others, so why am I not willing to do what I must to satisfy that need to connect? Because I do not yield. I cannot put aside who I am to that degree, I never have been. I spent years silent because I can't fake longer than a conversation, and the real me just rather be quiet than lie about our self.
So here I am. On the edges of everyone else, waiting, I guess, for when some else needs some one on one time, and I'll be there. Till then, I guess it's more time with me, myself and I. Good thing I guess, that I learned to love these characters.