There's many sides to every person. The victim and the child are both parts of me. Parts of me that I still have yet to totally deal with. The victim is a result of the unconscious and unmet needs of the child. Because I didn't receive certain needs in childhood, I sought them out later in destructive ways, which lead to me becoming a victim.
I've clung to the comfort of my pain for most of life. It became a security blanket for me, and letting go of it has not been easy for me. By letting go of my pain, I'm allowing myself to realize some harsh realities. Things like, there never being justice for the wrongs committed against me. That some never realize the error of their ways, and therefore never seek to correct them. That those who have failed me...will continue to do so. That it's up to me to fill the holes they left in my confidence, trust, faith, self-esteem and heart. A burden that has a semi comfortable weight to it.This comes from wondering about how to make up for my childhood, and how to cope with my family, which has been constantly attacking me for not being more able. There's such a lack of understanding and an even greater ignorance for it in my family. They're a no excuses group of people. But what so many fail to see is that what I'm trying to do is give an EXPLINATION, NOT AN EXCUSE. I want to be understood, because I'd like some compassion. Something I've only really showed myself.
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