Life is Absurd

Albert Camus came up with the idea that life is absurd. When I first heard this, and the reasoning behind, I was somewhat depressed. Then I realized that life is absurd, and that's a good thing. Just think about it, the fact we exist at all is amazing. If you look into our reproduction it's a miracle that any ones born. And just look at evolution.
It is in our nature somehow, though, to search for meaning in life. A purpose. Something that doesn't exist, and this realization cripples us. What people fail to grasp, is that we can create our own meaning, our own purpose for being here. And all we have to do is follow our hearts.
If you haven't, I suggest reading Create Your Own Freedom in the right side bar. You should know, your life is in your hands.

My Joy of Family & Then some

There's many sides to every person. The victim and the child are both parts of me. Parts of me that I still have yet to totally deal with. The victim is a result of the unconscious and unmet needs of the child. Because I didn't receive certain needs in childhood, I sought them out later in destructive ways, which lead to me becoming a victim.

I've clung to the comfort of my pain for most of life. It became a security blanket for me, and letting go of it has not been easy for me. By letting go of my pain, I'm allowing myself to realize some harsh realities. Things like, there never being justice for the wrongs committed against me. That some never realize the error of their ways, and therefore never seek to correct them. That those who have failed me...will continue to do so. That it's up to me to fill the holes they left in my confidence, trust, faith, self-esteem and heart. A burden that has a semi comfortable weight to it.
This comes from wondering about how to make up for my childhood, and how to cope with my family, which has been constantly attacking me for not being more able. There's such a lack of understanding and an even greater ignorance for it in my family. They're a no excuses group of people. But what so many fail to see is that what I'm trying to do is give an EXPLINATION, NOT AN EXCUSE. I want to be understood, because I'd like some compassion. Something I've only really showed myself.

Why Waste Time?

We all have our reasons. Mine? I'm afraid. I've used the net as a place to live, because I can pretend that someone is paying attention to me. That someone is there. I get tired of being alone, but its my nature to be alone. I'm not a group person. I'm a one on one person, or an observer.
My need for attention is a fickle thing. It comes from my parents not being around or having much time for me when I was growing up. Then by the time most start getting their need for attention by acting out etc., I had developed social anxiety. Having social anxiety made my everyday life feel like I was on stage and that I was experiencing constant stage fright.
So it was natural that turned to the net, no one knows me here, and yet they know me better than many who've been around most of my life. So I waste time because I cling to this, searching for something it can't give me. Something nothing and no one can really give me but myself; security with not being seen or heard. I have no other choice. To make up for the emptiness left by others, or allow it to continue to run my life.

My Ideal Day/Time Management

I've had what I consider my ideal daily routine in my head for over a year now, and have yet to solidly follow it. But here it is;
7am wake up & exercise- if not following a routine, do tai chi or walk dog
7:45-Breakfast! Omelet?
8am-Shower and beautifying time
8:45am-do chores/get ready for day
9/whenever chores are done-relax; read, go and enjoy the outdoors.
Since chores are now done, the rest of the day is presumably free time. In this case you can/should work on:
-guitar
-french
-writing
-pile of books
-scrapbook
-photo album
-relationships
As night comes, it is best to wind down. This is good tv time, reading time, and as you go to bed, meditation.
And there you have it folks, what I'd like to be doing.

Note: Time should be adjusted for work days.

Why I Believe in The Power of Love

I couldn't wait to get off work the other night, because I got to see him when I was done. We spent nearly six hours straight together, and I wouldnt trade them for the world. For the first itme in my life, I'm healthy and happy. But it's so much more than that. It's love. And love transcends human expession.
I've spent pretty much, my entire teenage life battling depression. Six years of sinking. Here's a snipet of a poem I wrote about depression and having it:

Can you imagine
For months waking up and not wanting to
Not wanting to think, to move, to breathe
Having every action you take turn to torture
Wanting to numb out, to vegetate
To no longer live
That is what depression is like

It’s paralyzing on every level of your being
It’s like being submerged in wet cement
There is nothing else like it
It is a disease of the mind
And I’ve been infected with it ©2009 Aleyn

That was more or less my life for six years. Till I was finally given a chance to get help, to get better. He helped me through it alot, because he saw through it to the real me. A person I'd lost touch with over the years. A person he helped me rediscover and love again.
Being healthy and secure is strange to me. I'm so use to being insecure and sick that I became comfortable with being that way, because I more or less knew what to expect from it. But this, this is different, and in a good way. I can breathe and it doesn't hurt, but still so many parts of me are hesitant. I'm grateful that I have him to help me get use to this new life of mine.
I still have trouble finding words for it. Realizing that this is real, and that I can now attain my dreams.

The Greater Good & The Human Spirit

There's a hole in my heart that knows the depths of human evil, but there's also a light in my heart that knows the power and strenght of human good. And as much as it scares me to know this, I know it's alright. It's a balance, and when things get out of balance, bad things happen.
Tonight I cried, and gave thanks. Thanks for the experience of Heaven and Hell in my life. There is a heart breaking wisdom that comes with that. The pain of my heart breaking another shell and growing again.
If you are to know one thing, and one thing only, know that: YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.

I Believe In Circles Because I Talk In Them

I believe in circles; they have no beginning or end. They are continuous; they are complete. Like rings.
I'm sure, some where down the line, that's what wedding rings were meant to repersent; the continuous love and bond shared between two people. I'm not sure if they really meant the same thing now. I come from a family filled with divorce. By September both of my parents will have married twice. The same goes with my grandparents on my father's side. Though, a trip down motive lane quickly shows there was more to these failed relationships.
All the marriages I've known to fail, failed because of sex and/or childern. Thus, it can be taken from this that sex and childern are important componets in a marriage that need to be addressed. Problem? Well, tell me what comes to mind when someone says sex? Do you not, on some level, suddenly feel that at any moment, somehting bad could happen? Has sex in our society not been given a spilt personality, as we are equally pulled by our media and our morals? One says have sex, one says don't. This mixed messages are practically endless. I'm sorry to inform you ladies and gentlemen, but that means its up to you to decide for yourself what sex is for you, and it's role in your relationship with your signifcant other.
Needless to say, many people are afraid to make up thier minds. Afraid to make a choice and have to defend themselevs agaisnt others. They'd rather sit on the dividing line and only half live because taking responsiblity is, lets face it, a scary and most times, difficult thing to do. What so many fail to realize, is that if you choose something. If you follow your heart; your heart will provide the strenght you need to accomplish its desire.
But semi back to the semi main topic.
What does marriage mean these days? Well, to be honest, I think we're living in a time where we can no longer rely on the beliefs or ideas of the past. I'm not saying we should abandon them, I'm saying we should not allow ourselves to be governed by them. Because they are not our ideas. They are not our beliefs. And if they are not ours, we cannot be theirs, we cannot relate to them and they are not relevant to us. Therefore, it will be years before I can conclusively write, this is what we believe marriage should be, because we, as humans, are in a state of flux. We are changing, into what, do you really think I know?

My Missing

Today's word: forjuts; the pieces running up between the fingers of gloves.

Since my boyfriend has been away, I've been just blindly filling my time. I've spent loads of time just playing pointless games, on the computer, or just watching TV. I have a pile a of books I've been dying to get through, but reading means using my brain, which means I'm aware that he's not here. It takes me hours to go to sleep every night because I'm thinking of him.
I love him more than I have loved anyone before, and I can't help but find it strange. The relationship I have with him is strange because it's healthy, something I'm not use to. Every Wednesday, I email him. I don't usually get replies, but that's because he doesnt have enough computer time, and well he doesnt always know what to say. But he has in the past, and that's what counts.
On my hip I wrote He Loves Me in blue, his favorite colour. The last time we were together, he saw it. He smiled at me and said;" He does". He still seems a dream to me. I wonder what I seem to him?

Xavier Rudd My Missing Lyrics:
I See you sleeping

only in my mind
I have been away alone this season
I waste so much time
Thinking of when I would
hold you gently
And I'd look into your eyes
And I would be the one to
calm your shaking
When you would cry

I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
So miss you in my life

You hide your answers
within every smile
Time and time again I'd lose my chances
To reconcile
Even if I had my time over
it would take a while
To reveal all my best intentions
That I let slip by

I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
So miss you in my life

Intro II

I think. Alot. Almost too much, which is possible. It's a side effect, sorta. Accordingly more females over think than males(big surprise there, sorry guys). I also tend to write alot, but everything I write is for others, not just for me. It's impossible for me to write something for only my viewing pleasure. Thus this blog was born. Though I do already have an online journal, aleyn.deviantart.com, but it's secondary there. This is a place just for my thoughts. Which I'll warn you can be a bit crazy at times.
One of the reasons I write alot is because I find it difficult to find people to converse with. Partly because there are so few people who are like minded or respectful/understanding of my mind. Another reason is because I have an anxiety disorder, commonly known as social phobia. In case you can't piece what that means together on your own, social phobia means I'm afraid of social situations, and in general, dealing with people. But recently, I've recieved treatment for this and have improved greatly.

Well there ya go. A semi intro thing...
-Aleyn

Intro

To Start, I kinda hate writing intros. I've written alot and they tend to lead to dead ends, so I'm just going to jump in and you can get to know me as we go along. Hope you enjoy the ride.