There's Only Me

Recently, I've reached calm waters that only my own mind seems to disrupt. I have become aware that I must focus on me and only me in order to complete my healing/recovery. I have realized that most of my anxiety and depression is caused by illusions of my mind, things I've projected out into the world and now see as truth and fact. In order to rectify and end the projection of these illusions I've come up with a little saying to help me return to center: There's Only Me.
These words help me focus back on myself, which many consider selfish but if do not start and care for ourselves we eventually lose the ability to do so for others. We must bring ourselves to health before we can accompany others there as well.
By focusing on only me, I have nothing to project on. No one who may think or feel this or that. There is only me, only my feelings, thoughts and choices. Only I matter because I am all there is.
I will not lie, it is a difficult concept to grasp and even I have only been there briefly a few times, but what knowledge I have gathered from there has been pure and true. I can free myself and I can be entirely independent of all else.
There is Only Me.

Life Change

I have always been the person I want to be.

That was my epiphany today. It came to me while I was reading Making a Change For Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline by Cheri Huber. I was reading about my sub-personalities, and the voice each possessed and the conditioning that caused those voices. In the book, Cheri talks about how each of our sub-personalities are like children we have to care for inside our self. That they are greedy, needy, selfish, hungry children who need our love and compassion, and it's true.
The book's focus is on well learning to focus on being here in the now. We are distracted from being in the now by the little children within our heads, tugging our on mental shirt sleeves for attention and throwing tantrums when they don't get it. So, how, through this information, did I come to the realization that I have always been the person I want to be?

Simple: each time I've failed, I've recommitted Each time I stopped being here and started caring for my sub-personalities, I came back to where I'd left off. I am who I want to be, and I always have been, it's just that other aspect of my psyche have been distracting me from myself. A funny little paradox I know.
But that was not all that happened to me today.
Today I was introduced to a former child solider from the Congo. A young man, who at the age of five had been kidnapped by rebel fighters and forced to kill his best friend. A young man, who after two months of living as a child solider escaped and ran for three days and nights through the jungle to get home. A young man, who at the age of ten was forced to witness the gang rape of his mother and sisters in their home. A young man, who spent months in a refugee camp, who watched his father die, who got the chance to come to Canada and who now works for Free The Children. A young man, who has seen horrors with his own eyes and yet he is still happy.
There is something about walking through Hell that humbles a human spirit. Something about it's fires that ignite a passion in the very heart of our soul. Something that cannot go out, but can only spread like wild fire through the hearts of mankind. Something that is greater than love. Something I think that's called life.

Affirmations

*I love and accept myself unconditionally
*I am Me and I am Ok
*I will Exceed my goals and ambitions for/of myself
*I am a beautiful, loving, fun, smart, open person
*I will be with him next year at university
*I am loved and valued
*I am Able
*I am humble and happy
*Each moment of my life brings fulfillment
*I am the change I wish to see in the world
*I am free

Depression & My Saving Grace

Tonight, I almost went back. Tonight, I remembered what it was like to be there.
Depression is a hot sickness but cold fever, clouding your mind.

Around eight, I started frantically running around my head looking for the off switch and more importantly what turned it on in the first place. Some how my depression was more active then it had been in months, six to be precise, thus causing some concern

Of course this all happened after I had a good day and a great day. But something in me knew it was more then just my depression trying to get back on its feet, something was helping it.

I think it’s the combination between home and school. I find them taxing, not relaxing. Rhyme not intended but neither can I avoid. I know in my heart of heart I need to give myself to the woods, to get as far away from this world as I can in order to truly get better. But I cant.

Not yet.

And when my mind realizes it, the part fighting shuts down, thus my depression goes on. I’m trying not to be afraid but its creeping in, because this is it. When for so many others graduation and acceptance to uni is just a nice next step, for me it’s a life or death choice. If I don’t get out, I’ll die.

No. No more Depression. I put my foot down. Please leave my life and leave me alone. I don’t need you and I never did. You were just a mask hiding and suffocating who I really am. Now, I no longer have any use for you, so please just leave.

DO you have any idea how hard it is to say those words?

I was calling you, cause I needed you. Then I started to think about lying against your chest Sunday morning. Thank you for continuing to be my saving grace.

Fear

I realized tongiht, that I am afraid. Afraid that the distance between us will become a space, or a void, like the ones that have formed before. And that this void will swallow our relationship. I'm to tell you that I feel like I belong with you and that I'm not around you I feel out of place. I'm afraid to say these things because I've said similiar things before, and that turned out to be an illusion. I'm afraid to lose again, especially you. I'm afraid to get to close to fast and have you draw back. I'm afraid to scare you. I'm afraid to need you. I'm afraid to crowed, to ask for you. I'm afraid to be yours and you to be mine, because I'm afraid that it means sooner or later I'll lose you. And I'm afraid to tell you this because I don't want to overwhelm you and I don't want you to lie to me to make me feel better. Because all a lie is in a relationship, is a bandage over the truth, which oozes out sooner or later. So if you need to do anything, show me your truth.

Music is my king-size bed

1. Everywhere-Bran Van 3000
2. Elevator Love Letter- Stars
3. When I’m Sixty-four- The Beatles
4. La Vie En Rose- Edith Paif
5. Remember Who You Are- The Living Legends
6. Coconut- Harry Nilsson
7. Be human- Scott Matthew/Yoko Kanno
8. Them Kids- Sam Roberts
9. Piazza, New York Catcher- Belle & Sebastian
10. Hem of Your Garment- Cake
11. Dota- Bass Hunter
12. Who’s Got The Crack- The Moldy Peaches
13. Here is Gone- The Goo Goo Dolls
14. Weight of The World- Tarkio
15. Sweet Jane- Cowboy Junkies
16. Dance Me Outside- Craig Cardiff
17. Soul Sloshing- Venus hum
18. Mushaboom- Feist
19. Time Is Running Out- Muse
20. Stars- Switchfoot

Don't Be Afraid of The Light

Last night he told me, “This is love.”

And I thought I’d break. I’ve been waiting so long to break again. Because being broken is what I’ve been for so long, it’s just what I expect. And when he told me this, I cracked a little, and some part of me pushed to break, but I couldn’t.

I finally realized that that’s over with, that broken part was never me really. I mean it was a part of me, but a part of me that has died and fallen away from the rest. A part of me I cut away when I started to make room for him in my heart. Of course the scars will always be there, but they just go to show that we can heal from anything and have something to show for it.

I’m still in awe at him telling me that last night, “This is love…no abuse, no pain.” I thought I knew what love was, I thought I knew a lot before he came into my life. I haven’t mind one moment of the re-education though. This is all so different from anything I’ve ever known before, but you know what? It feels right, natural, like this is how things have been my whole life even though they haven’t.

It’s hard to begin how to describe living without depression or any mental illness is. Hard to explain how insanity gets back to sanity, how I learned to trust my senses again after having them betray me. Living with depression for several years, it was like, like everything you’ve ever known or cared about being turned into something hurtful and ugly and destructive. Everything. And there being no way out of the darkness. Eventually, you start to drown, and if you’re like me, you’ll forget which way is up. That’s why, it’s always good to leave a light on, so you can find your way back.

I’ve been free of my demons for nearly six months now, the longest time since before I had them, six years ago. If you’re out there and you’re suffering from depression, my advice to you is don’t be afraid to grab on to a lifesaver.

I Am Happy

I am happy with my messy room.
I am happy with my wardorbe.
I am happy with my body.
I am happy with my furniture.
I am happy with my music
I am happy with my hot water
I am happy with my photos
I am happy with my pillows
I am happy with my work
I am happy with my family
I am happy with my clutter
I am happy with my dust
I am happy with my talents
I am happy with my leaky walls
I am happy with my special bed
I am happy with my cold
I am happy with my mental illness
I am happy with rain
I am happy with dog drool
I am happy with smiles
I am happy alone
I am happy with you
I am happy with me

Come Together, Right Now, Over Me

That's how I feel right now. Felt like someone knowing.

A Little Glimpse At Moi

I'm female, and I have no clue some days what this means, save for some different sexual organs and brain circuitry. Supposedly, based on this brain circuitry, there is a certain type of behaviour associated with being female. You know what? I've never been really able to act that way. Forgive me, but that's not who I am. So who am I?
I'm an interdependant being, capable of being alone and ok with it. If I can't be myself in a situation, I can't be in a situation. Who I am is free loving and open minded. I'm understanding, caring and compassionate, for basically all life. I won't deny that at times some may be excluded from this, but I'm no god, I can't be all forgiving all the time. I believe people should follow thier heart, because if they do, it will insure their passage through hell.

To Tam:
This is what you helped me rediscover, this is what I'd lost. You are a gift to me, I'm eternally grateful for your love and friendship that allows me to be who I am.

Music is My Favorite Mistress

Stuff You Should Hear:

1. Shadow Stabbing-Cake
   
2. Giving It Up For You-Holly Brook
3. As Time Goes By-Louis Armstrong
4. Talk Show Host-Radiohead
5. Bloodsport-Sneaker Pimps
6. Jack-Xavier Rudd
7. Reunion-Stars
8. Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie (A Man After Midnight) cover-Damhnait Doyle
   
9. Naked As We Came-Iron and Wine
10. Shaking-Sugarcult
11. Portions for Foxes- Rilo Kiley
12. The Light is You-Said The Whale
13. Never Let You Go-Third Eye Blind
14. Kiss Me-Sixpence None The Richer
15. Love Life-Atmosphere
16. This Must Be The Place(cover)-The Arcade Fire
17. Wild World-Cat Stevens
18. St. Andrews- Bedouin Soundclash
19. Video-India.Arie
20. Smooth-Rob Thomas ft. Santana

There will be more to come, with more in depth info and some repeat artists. In the mean time, Enjoy!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Choice

I believe in the power of choice. I believe that no matter what happens in your life, or to you, you can still be happy. Why? Because happiness is a choice.
I was brought up to believe that I was in "control" of my life, that I could chose what happened. Of course I didn't believe at first, which leads me to another belief of mine: some things can only be experienced in order to be known, where others can simply be taught. No, I didn't believe in my own power to experience life till two things happened to me. One, was a break up. Two, was depression.
The break up helped me to experience my own power because it was the first time, in a very long time, that I'd be alone/single. By being alone, I felt a lot of sadness and in order to get out of it, I had to choose to be happy. Needless to say it wasn't that easy, which is why I slipped deeper into my depression for awhile.
During my depression, a friend suggested that I may need an attitude adjustment. Something I'd never considered because in my eyes, attitude adjustments are only needed for those who are mean, not mopey. But what I began to realize was that both these states were a choice. So after a few months, and support from some friends, I slowly changed my attitude to one of a more positive mind. And what a big difference it made!
Now, just because we can choose how we sometimes feel or experiance things, does not mean we are always happy, because life isn't like that. What we must remember is that it's okay that every now and then we allow are emotions to drive us. We allow ourselves to feel pain, anger, jealously, lose. But we also must remember to allow ourselves feel love, peace, compassion, and hope.
We always have a choice, is what I'm trying to get at. Sometimes the choices are easier than others, and sometimes they're as hard as hell, but they are still in your hands for the most part. And if they aren't, remember You are in control of you. So smile, and love yourself, because that's where we start.

Lonely, I'm So Lonely

In my last blog entry, I described my finicky social needs, which have unsurprisingly lead me to be more susceptible to becoming lonely. I've always been a bit of picky person, and I've known for a long time that people don't like complainers, so my solution was what I want or nothing. Unfortunately for me, this solution doesn't always work and I've been trying to comprise between my needs and wants for some time now.
The thing about needs is that if you deprive yourself of one for too long, your body/mind will make it so that is the only thing you will want. So what do I want? {Insert long, emotional rambling, with jabs at numerous people in your life who've failed yadda yadda...now back to main topic} I want someone to talk to. To be with. Is it wrong to want this when I have friends and a boyfriend? I have plenty of people who want to spend time with me, but I'm tired of them because we never seem to serve my purpose/need and I'm no good when I'm running this low.
In other words, because I'm cognitively starved, I'm less receptive of to the needs of others, I'm less patient, caring, interested and over all less of the good happy person we all enjoy. I hate it when I see the big picture and where the gears need grease but don't have the grease or paint to fix it.
The moral of the story is... I wish I knew, but the thing is I don't. The obvious thing to do would be to change, to be less picky, but that's right next to what makes me me.

Not A Groupie

I am not a group person. When groups occur, I fall into the background and observe. I do not participate, I do not join in. In my heart of hearts, a large part of me is a loner. It took me years to get comfortable with this aspect of me, because it's one of the many aspects of me that people just don't get.
Just because I'm not a group person doesn't mean I don't have fun. Many have called me a party pooper or a wet blanket because I won't join in. They don't realize though that I can't. I don't have the energy or social ability to be in a group for more then an hour. I think it comes down to that if I'm in a group for long, I begin to feel that I don't belong. I have yet to find a group I really feel like I belong with.
Another thing I think this comes down to, is that I'm a very understanding person when it comes to people. It's easy for me to understand where someone is coming from and why they act the way they do in most cases. Needless to say, not many people have this "skill", and sometimes it drives me up the wall, that even though I've explained myself, people still don't understand me. It's tiring and depressive. So many days are spent finding the right amount of alone time and group time so I don't get upset over my social handicap.
I'm tired of walking on eggshells though. Tired of tip-toeing my way around life. I am female and it is in my very nature to connect with others, so why am I not willing to do what I must to satisfy that need to connect? Because I do not yield. I cannot put aside who I am to that degree, I never have been. I spent years silent because I can't fake longer than a conversation, and the real me just rather be quiet than lie about our self.
So here I am. On the edges of everyone else, waiting, I guess, for when some else needs some one on one time, and I'll be there. Till then, I guess it's more time with me, myself and I. Good thing I guess, that I learned to love these characters.

Life is Absurd

Albert Camus came up with the idea that life is absurd. When I first heard this, and the reasoning behind, I was somewhat depressed. Then I realized that life is absurd, and that's a good thing. Just think about it, the fact we exist at all is amazing. If you look into our reproduction it's a miracle that any ones born. And just look at evolution.
It is in our nature somehow, though, to search for meaning in life. A purpose. Something that doesn't exist, and this realization cripples us. What people fail to grasp, is that we can create our own meaning, our own purpose for being here. And all we have to do is follow our hearts.
If you haven't, I suggest reading Create Your Own Freedom in the right side bar. You should know, your life is in your hands.

My Joy of Family & Then some

There's many sides to every person. The victim and the child are both parts of me. Parts of me that I still have yet to totally deal with. The victim is a result of the unconscious and unmet needs of the child. Because I didn't receive certain needs in childhood, I sought them out later in destructive ways, which lead to me becoming a victim.

I've clung to the comfort of my pain for most of life. It became a security blanket for me, and letting go of it has not been easy for me. By letting go of my pain, I'm allowing myself to realize some harsh realities. Things like, there never being justice for the wrongs committed against me. That some never realize the error of their ways, and therefore never seek to correct them. That those who have failed me...will continue to do so. That it's up to me to fill the holes they left in my confidence, trust, faith, self-esteem and heart. A burden that has a semi comfortable weight to it.
This comes from wondering about how to make up for my childhood, and how to cope with my family, which has been constantly attacking me for not being more able. There's such a lack of understanding and an even greater ignorance for it in my family. They're a no excuses group of people. But what so many fail to see is that what I'm trying to do is give an EXPLINATION, NOT AN EXCUSE. I want to be understood, because I'd like some compassion. Something I've only really showed myself.

Why Waste Time?

We all have our reasons. Mine? I'm afraid. I've used the net as a place to live, because I can pretend that someone is paying attention to me. That someone is there. I get tired of being alone, but its my nature to be alone. I'm not a group person. I'm a one on one person, or an observer.
My need for attention is a fickle thing. It comes from my parents not being around or having much time for me when I was growing up. Then by the time most start getting their need for attention by acting out etc., I had developed social anxiety. Having social anxiety made my everyday life feel like I was on stage and that I was experiencing constant stage fright.
So it was natural that turned to the net, no one knows me here, and yet they know me better than many who've been around most of my life. So I waste time because I cling to this, searching for something it can't give me. Something nothing and no one can really give me but myself; security with not being seen or heard. I have no other choice. To make up for the emptiness left by others, or allow it to continue to run my life.

My Ideal Day/Time Management

I've had what I consider my ideal daily routine in my head for over a year now, and have yet to solidly follow it. But here it is;
7am wake up & exercise- if not following a routine, do tai chi or walk dog
7:45-Breakfast! Omelet?
8am-Shower and beautifying time
8:45am-do chores/get ready for day
9/whenever chores are done-relax; read, go and enjoy the outdoors.
Since chores are now done, the rest of the day is presumably free time. In this case you can/should work on:
-guitar
-french
-writing
-pile of books
-scrapbook
-photo album
-relationships
As night comes, it is best to wind down. This is good tv time, reading time, and as you go to bed, meditation.
And there you have it folks, what I'd like to be doing.

Note: Time should be adjusted for work days.

Why I Believe in The Power of Love

I couldn't wait to get off work the other night, because I got to see him when I was done. We spent nearly six hours straight together, and I wouldnt trade them for the world. For the first itme in my life, I'm healthy and happy. But it's so much more than that. It's love. And love transcends human expession.
I've spent pretty much, my entire teenage life battling depression. Six years of sinking. Here's a snipet of a poem I wrote about depression and having it:

Can you imagine
For months waking up and not wanting to
Not wanting to think, to move, to breathe
Having every action you take turn to torture
Wanting to numb out, to vegetate
To no longer live
That is what depression is like

It’s paralyzing on every level of your being
It’s like being submerged in wet cement
There is nothing else like it
It is a disease of the mind
And I’ve been infected with it ©2009 Aleyn

That was more or less my life for six years. Till I was finally given a chance to get help, to get better. He helped me through it alot, because he saw through it to the real me. A person I'd lost touch with over the years. A person he helped me rediscover and love again.
Being healthy and secure is strange to me. I'm so use to being insecure and sick that I became comfortable with being that way, because I more or less knew what to expect from it. But this, this is different, and in a good way. I can breathe and it doesn't hurt, but still so many parts of me are hesitant. I'm grateful that I have him to help me get use to this new life of mine.
I still have trouble finding words for it. Realizing that this is real, and that I can now attain my dreams.

The Greater Good & The Human Spirit

There's a hole in my heart that knows the depths of human evil, but there's also a light in my heart that knows the power and strenght of human good. And as much as it scares me to know this, I know it's alright. It's a balance, and when things get out of balance, bad things happen.
Tonight I cried, and gave thanks. Thanks for the experience of Heaven and Hell in my life. There is a heart breaking wisdom that comes with that. The pain of my heart breaking another shell and growing again.
If you are to know one thing, and one thing only, know that: YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.

I Believe In Circles Because I Talk In Them

I believe in circles; they have no beginning or end. They are continuous; they are complete. Like rings.
I'm sure, some where down the line, that's what wedding rings were meant to repersent; the continuous love and bond shared between two people. I'm not sure if they really meant the same thing now. I come from a family filled with divorce. By September both of my parents will have married twice. The same goes with my grandparents on my father's side. Though, a trip down motive lane quickly shows there was more to these failed relationships.
All the marriages I've known to fail, failed because of sex and/or childern. Thus, it can be taken from this that sex and childern are important componets in a marriage that need to be addressed. Problem? Well, tell me what comes to mind when someone says sex? Do you not, on some level, suddenly feel that at any moment, somehting bad could happen? Has sex in our society not been given a spilt personality, as we are equally pulled by our media and our morals? One says have sex, one says don't. This mixed messages are practically endless. I'm sorry to inform you ladies and gentlemen, but that means its up to you to decide for yourself what sex is for you, and it's role in your relationship with your signifcant other.
Needless to say, many people are afraid to make up thier minds. Afraid to make a choice and have to defend themselevs agaisnt others. They'd rather sit on the dividing line and only half live because taking responsiblity is, lets face it, a scary and most times, difficult thing to do. What so many fail to realize, is that if you choose something. If you follow your heart; your heart will provide the strenght you need to accomplish its desire.
But semi back to the semi main topic.
What does marriage mean these days? Well, to be honest, I think we're living in a time where we can no longer rely on the beliefs or ideas of the past. I'm not saying we should abandon them, I'm saying we should not allow ourselves to be governed by them. Because they are not our ideas. They are not our beliefs. And if they are not ours, we cannot be theirs, we cannot relate to them and they are not relevant to us. Therefore, it will be years before I can conclusively write, this is what we believe marriage should be, because we, as humans, are in a state of flux. We are changing, into what, do you really think I know?

My Missing

Today's word: forjuts; the pieces running up between the fingers of gloves.

Since my boyfriend has been away, I've been just blindly filling my time. I've spent loads of time just playing pointless games, on the computer, or just watching TV. I have a pile a of books I've been dying to get through, but reading means using my brain, which means I'm aware that he's not here. It takes me hours to go to sleep every night because I'm thinking of him.
I love him more than I have loved anyone before, and I can't help but find it strange. The relationship I have with him is strange because it's healthy, something I'm not use to. Every Wednesday, I email him. I don't usually get replies, but that's because he doesnt have enough computer time, and well he doesnt always know what to say. But he has in the past, and that's what counts.
On my hip I wrote He Loves Me in blue, his favorite colour. The last time we were together, he saw it. He smiled at me and said;" He does". He still seems a dream to me. I wonder what I seem to him?

Xavier Rudd My Missing Lyrics:
I See you sleeping

only in my mind
I have been away alone this season
I waste so much time
Thinking of when I would
hold you gently
And I'd look into your eyes
And I would be the one to
calm your shaking
When you would cry

I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
So miss you in my life

You hide your answers
within every smile
Time and time again I'd lose my chances
To reconcile
Even if I had my time over
it would take a while
To reveal all my best intentions
That I let slip by

I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
So miss you in my life

Intro II

I think. Alot. Almost too much, which is possible. It's a side effect, sorta. Accordingly more females over think than males(big surprise there, sorry guys). I also tend to write alot, but everything I write is for others, not just for me. It's impossible for me to write something for only my viewing pleasure. Thus this blog was born. Though I do already have an online journal, aleyn.deviantart.com, but it's secondary there. This is a place just for my thoughts. Which I'll warn you can be a bit crazy at times.
One of the reasons I write alot is because I find it difficult to find people to converse with. Partly because there are so few people who are like minded or respectful/understanding of my mind. Another reason is because I have an anxiety disorder, commonly known as social phobia. In case you can't piece what that means together on your own, social phobia means I'm afraid of social situations, and in general, dealing with people. But recently, I've recieved treatment for this and have improved greatly.

Well there ya go. A semi intro thing...
-Aleyn

Intro

To Start, I kinda hate writing intros. I've written alot and they tend to lead to dead ends, so I'm just going to jump in and you can get to know me as we go along. Hope you enjoy the ride.